| cappuccino snow angels. |
[Dec. 9th, 2005|07:47 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | halah. mazzy star. | ] |
life has plateaued among all-nighters, revelations, and acceptance. sypnapse to sypnapse, connected and intertwined at each new angle. passing strangers and bottomless mugs of black coffee have changed the scope of the earth in small, but distinctive ways. rewind two months. rewind two years.
i can rewind without feeling overwhelmed. i am settled with the simplicity i have found in routines and warmth and solitude. i find peace in old friends and long drives and the rest is fairly predictable. the future seems so far away, so why not live in the moment?
its not about started over or letting go or even moving on. its okay to just live and learn, but mostly just live. |
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| Hanna asheek, alah alah |
[Aug. 19th, 2005|11:54 pm] |
its the dynamics of Group A vs. Group B and the connotation of her laughter, his jokes, their energy. the spirit hidden beneath his fingertips seems to blow the room out proportion, multiplying gestures changing dimensions of life and now he's creating perspective with the sweep of his summer-kissed thumb. we've been dancing on the moon, we've been swimming through silence, we are kings clad with rags, and beggars with full bellies.
my pockets are overflowing with memories and memories of memories. i want to tell them that we're sailors in disguise, we're pirates in disguise, we're robots in disguise. i want to tell them its all a guise, life is a trick. i want to tell them to laugh. i keep wondering if her eyes have changed color and did his heart somersault and does she still dream? this is a flute of emotion and the music is raging. this is rainbowed destruction, it is a veiled disaster, sweet tomatoes, and seaglass.
i'm beginning to see my life laid out in cards. he's three times her age, but she loves him she tells me. and him, oh him he's dying, he's dead, he's here but he's gone. and i fold. i tipped the richter scale until we were topped and laughing. i told him i wished we'd talk more, but i really meant i love him. that was a high king. we had dance parties in panera and bought sexy/ugly/gansta*pimp shiiiit. we played girl talk and remembered being five and walked around the island all night long. we drank it down until the world spun and the colors were too good for this life. a couple pairs. she looked into my heart and taught me how to live again. i saw four shooting stars on the beach. i quit this and quit that, started fresh and so clean, clean. i shook hands with electicity. fucking royal flush.
and i friggin met the harlem globetrotters today. woopwoop |
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| 4.16.05 (2 years) |
[Aug. 14th, 2005|10:41 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thankful | ] |
Dear Emily,
How did you ever fall so far from your heart? I have lost you- the person I wanted to grow old as. I miss the face I see in all the pictures of the past; the youth, the energy, the spirit, the fun. The simple happiness, the relaxation, the light in your eyes, the excitement on your lips; that's what I crave. The love for life slowly faded within you, within me: we've been buried alive in this intricate love/hate web. He buried us with his words, his control, his rape, his presense- he buried the innocence and the little girl and the twinkle. He took the beauty and good out of your world, out of my world.
I will dig you out of this despairity, I will find you in every dark corner where you hide. I will sweep the dirt off of your wings and you will be free to fly again. I'm goign to put everything I have into bringing you back; I will entangle the present with memories of you- of your smile, the way you lived in the moment, always ready to laugh or jump or sing. How did you walk three feet above the pavement with all of life's imperfections bearing down on you? How did you conquer the overwhelming negativity that this world seems to bombard us with? Can you fill my heart with the love you felt? With the joy you felt? I want to remember how to walk with my heart leading the way, how to climb a tree in barefeet, how to play leap frog and hopscotch and Barbie. Can you remind me how to throw away hesitation? The way you lived in preschool, in third grade, in sixth grade- the joy in your eyes, in your face, in your posture. Do you remember the stories you wrote in second grade- the one that were 10 times longer than needed and full of passion and humor and vivid colors. I want you to paint me pictures of your dreams, the ones of sailors and lucky charms and couch potatoes and prince charmings and sky divers and optimism. I want all of the far-fetched ones, the ones people laughed at, I want to go for them, REALLY GO FOR THEM.
I miss your spontaneity, your hunger for adrenaline and excitement and risks. I want to be the first one in line for stupid pranks and crazy dares poppping from innocent minds. I want to remember the impulvisness, I want to take the risks, to stop being so fucking afraid of the world. I wish you could give me your courage, your hand and your shoulder. I wish I was the same girl who counted stars until she fell asleep and told my dad that I loved him so much that I never ever wanted to leave home. I wish I took the cold showers that used to refresh me, but now make me feel dirty. How can I love like you used to, with warmth bursting out at the seams, jumping from your hands and your eyes? I want life to be smiles and laughs and love and spirit. I want to sing in the shower and run in the grass. I want to have nightmares about lions and tigers and bears. oh no! I want to play hide and seek and video games and play crazy dress-ups with even crazier faces and cameras, polaroid cameras. I want the flowers to be beautiful again. I want the energy, the motivation, the spark. I want you to fit inside of me again, to become a part of my future so that I don't feel so lost anymore. I want you to fill me up and we will climb out of this coffin together. You will be my light, my hope, my expectation. I will fill this hold with my anger, my regret, my negativity. I will fill this hole to the brim so that I can start to build my future on top of it.
Love, Emily.
( this is a milestone. ) |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 16th, 2005|11:40 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  seedless | ] |
i'd like to paint a pictures of these days and nights and revelations. i'd like to give the world my heart, show them the feelings inside. i'd like to float in these clouds with you and you and you, i love you and you make me smile.
i'd also like to write a book entitled Ups & Downs and save the starving children of the world and stop war, cure aids, live life. i'd like to watch the sunset from a different place each night and fall in love with living and play tag with fireflys.
i'd really like to make a difference, leave my footprint in your heart. i'd like to make you see the world from your eyes, his, and mine. i'd like to live with nothing but a heart filled to the brim and i'd like to paint my body with every lie and sin.
[[[[[we have two simple choices. we walk the line. we live, we die.]]]]]
i am proud of what i have become. i've shed each tear of pain and shame, and i am moving on. my heart is pure and true. i am stronger than ever and i will never give up. i am dignified, but not cocky. i am loyal, but not dependent. i am passionate and layered and forever. i'm stepping forward and this time i won't let anything push me back. this time i believe, in myself. its trust and love and acceptance, and the feeling is amazing.
this shadow found its soulmate. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2005|11:00 pm] |
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Eyes are like onions and origami. |
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| Let me go, she said.... |
[Jun. 28th, 2005|10:54 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  do do dooooo | ] |
| [ | music |
| | scarlet begonias | ] |
the sunset is invisible and we're counting airplanes and laying on top of the world, watching the clouds slide by and we're talking and singing, we're listening and loving, we're serious and goofy, we're loving life and wondering why its so fucked up. we're dancing with umbrellas and smoking with "flick your bic" and picking bag flowers and poking and peeing on rocks. we're taking polaroids and dodging rain clouds and wondering out loud. we're dancing and climbing and still singing. we're hugging and bare foot and beautiful. we know we'll be coming back, we're planning for the future, we're understanding and growing and living and being.
these moments are forever. these are the memories. these are the beautiful pictures in my mind. these are the warmth and love and simplicity and ohhhh, i could freeze it forever but then there wouldn't be any more todays. this is what we fall back on.
if you can't tell i'm grinning and gushing and oh oh oh.
i'm leaving tomorrow, and i can't wait to come back. life is good, no, its great. i love. i simply love.
the past is the past, and i've moved on. i'm light and free and happy. it's more amazing than i can say. |
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| and we sing, hey hey my my |
[Jun. 27th, 2005|06:36 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  giddy | ] |
| [ | music |
| | ben kweller. living life. | ] |
adrenaline and rollercoasters and log flumes and funnel cake. cook outs and catching on fire and skinny dipping and jumping off bridges. sunsets and 3 hour talks and teary eyes and not enough words. crab feasts and rednecks and "it's better to eat them than to have them". goodbye kisses and picnic lunch and laying in the grass and playing capture the flag. water balloon fights and camping trips and not enough time and bon-fires. sleeping in and movie days and moving aways and suntans. visiting and singing in the rain!!! and vacations coming up. thunderstorms and memories and smiles on my face. and this is how i know it's summer. and this is how everything is going to be okay. and this is what i love about being alive.
( you wouldn't believe... ) |
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| Would I be out of line??? |
[Jun. 5th, 2005|10:01 pm] |
| [ | music |
| | pepper. trade winds. | ] |
You never miss them til their gone.
And then it hits you hard, smack in the face. Before you recover it explodes in your stomach. Next it rams you from behind. And stomps you into the ground. And pinches every inch of your skin. And stabs you in the heart. And claws your legs until the skin is gone. And then it knocks you on your back and throws dirt in your eyes. And squeezes your throat until you gag for air. And pulls your arms from their sockets. And plucks the hairs from your head. It kicks you when you're down and then kicks you again even harder.
Where do you run when your best friend is the one who made you cry? When you don't understand the words they keep repeating? Why? Why? Why?
There are never enough answers, and when you get them they never make sense. |
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| I've been living on coffee and nicotine. |
[May. 22nd, 2005|09:04 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  sick | ] |
| [ | music |
| | sleep. azure ray. | ] |
spinning and spinning and spinning. we spin until the sky turns black and our hands are blurs of life and love and pain. spinning spinning. we spin until our feet lose the gravity that holds their chains. we spin until our faces lose expression and our bodies dissolve into the air. we spin and we spin and we spin.
my mind doesn't function anymore because of the holes that you drilled into my temples, because of the screws that you keep tightening, because of the pain you shove into my scalp and my skull and my soul. it's always you or you or you and i haven't had the time or the energy to make me better. i feel stranded and alone. yesterday i was in the ER again and i was laying there and the doctors were telling me the scenarios and they were touching me and whispering in the corner and shaking their heads and not knowing.
where were you then? why can't you look at me anymore? why can't you cry when i cry? why do you turn your back when i need you the most? why isn't my everything not enough for you? why do you say those words, the ones you know hit me like bricks? those ones that sink me. those ones that everyone seems full of lately. why can't the fact that i need you just be enough? please.
i'm so sick. my insides are literally in knots. he put the devil inside me and tore out my soul. twisted and tangled and tied. and it hurts, it really really hurts. this burning aching constant pain. and the doctors just shake their heads. they shake their heads because they don't know. because nobody, nobody knows.
the future has faded. i can't see where this ends and where life begins. i'm numb but soaked in pain. my senses have failed but his smell is sharp. we're just spinning and spinning and spinning. we spin until our hair falls out and the earth cracks beneath us. we spin and spin and spin until the leaves turn brown and its raining root beer. spinning. we spin until there's nothing left.
spinning spinning spinning. |
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